I have no clue how to say all that’s in my head. I guess I just go as it randomly comes to my head. There is no way to put everything in one post so I will say a little about my life as it happens and my past as it haunts me. I started this blog really as a way to cope with thoughts and feelings cause bottling them up is getting no where and I have no where to turn to.

When people know someone is hurting or having emotional issues. I guess you can call them that. Anyway they say to go seek help and they are there for you. But in all reality help cost. It cost a lot you ask if you can do payments they act like you have a third eye. A person could be depressed due to money issues and wanting to kill themselves and the mental health world say money please still. I guess the person inside don’t matter. We have became a world who looks the other way. That has been disconnected by our social outlets like facebook etc. I don’t know the answer but anyway I am rambling.

I am one who hurts. I am the girl/woman that everyone says is so strong and can handle anything. But I am not, I am weak. I just hide it better than others. Time does not heal all wounds. Some wounds fester and get infected. That is me. Until today I felt I was alone on something I do. For some reason maybe the sure act of boredom I goggled self hurting. I have so much anxiety. I am ashamed to say I hit myself. I leave bruises and scratches. And today I cut myself. I promise you I am not a crazy person. Well maybe I am but really I am one of many.

In fact at my work customers call me smiley and sunshine. I am at times cause work keeps me  from thinking. Its the quiet time when I get locked inside my head that gets bad. I know what you are thinking. No reason would be good enough to do that. I know but I have good reasons to hurt and I am alone in my hurt. Sometimes people expecting you to be the strong one hold them up has its consequence.

Like I said there is so much in my life. I am not always locked in pain today just happens to be one of my “bad” days.  I don’t know where to start to share my world. My childhood nah how about what broke me.

Broke me that is my perfect phrase. Its what I feel inside broken. Half of who I was. Lets go to the day of all days a cold December. My little boy died. Hit by a car and died before I could say goodbye. I stayed strong on the side of the road. Trying to show the police I can hold my own and wont lose it if they just let me see him. It worked and I did. I sat with him with the coroner who could not leave me alone just in case as I poured my heart out to my 13 year olds lifeless body. Being one who has thoughts and feeling about the afterlife and spirits needed to cross over. I promised him to go to the light be free we will be ok I will see to it. Daddy and everyone will be ok.

Thing is life is not something you can control. I couldn’t control everyones emotions. I did myself no good my setting it aside and being the strong one. Cause it erupts later. Maybe I would of came through it ok if that was all I had. I don’t know can’t say. Two weeks after his death my family in another state convinced me to come see them. To help the kids cause it was Christmas in a week. My husband wanted to stay back. He had work friends that was not going to leave him alone and I was also going to see my family cause one of my sons lived there and I felt it was important we saw him and spent time with him before Christmas.

Do you ever have a point in time you wish you can erase. I do! Of course first my sons death then what happened after. I had a gut feeling don’t go in fact I canceled 2 times but my husband encouraged me to go. Our son needed to see us and be with me too. So I went. The day I was coming back my husband said to stay until after Christmas cause of the snow storm. I been stuck there 2 extra days but if was snowing there. It was the 23rd and I felt I needed us to be back home. So I drove it was ok until I got closer. I gripped the wheel and drove so slow and careful. I made it back.

My husband who had always greeted me with excitement didn’t. He was standoffish and said he had to go to Walmart right now. I went with he didn’t seem like wanted me to come. I felt something was wrong. While at walmart I called my sister. She told me he is just hurting and not himself. He continued to act that way always busy on his phone and computer. On Christmas day I lost it for the first time was crying my eyes out and he did not comfort me like I did him. I hurt one of my sons say dad mom needs you. He said she will be alright. I wasnt I needed him. I felt we could get through this as long as we do it together.

The day after christmas. He said lets go for a ride. I did. He told me Kim I love you always will have a place in my heart but I met someone else.

Someone else………….

How could this be happening I thought. Before Chris’s death we were so close. I felt as much in love with my husband as the day I married him if not more. I wondered how god could let this happen so soon. 2 weeks after his death. He went on about how when I was gone Tasha and him developed feelings. I was gone 5 days. How can 5 days mean more than 18 years.

I was sick. I was well you can imagine. I called family they couldn’t believe it not him. I wasn’t going to go down without a fight he was not leaving me. He didn’t know what he was saying. You don’t know love in 5 days. I know most women would say goodbye. I couldn’t I don’t think at the time I could handle losing one more person I loved. I couldn’t let me kids go through this.

I fought I will blogg about the detail later. I think cause it will help. One thing is I keep it all inside and can’t talk about it all. The pain inside broke me. Maybe I would of been alright it It ended there. My problems I mean. But it went through him being suicidal to money issues. So many problems here and there it is slowing suffocating me.

I try hard to not be negative but it seems everytime I start to feel happy I get kicked. Like I am being punished for being happy. Right now I am as close to being homeless as a person gets before they are offically declared homeless. In fact a newspaper article a few months back counted living in a motel not by choice as being.

I joked once to a customer saying I should start a blog. Diary of a girl with bad luck. It seems that it is me. Everything that can will go wrong. I wonder am I being tested? If so stop testing me enough. Either fail me or pass me.

Enough for now. I feel better. I said my 3 biggest issues in my heard. My hurt my son and my husbands betrayal.

Thanks for reading.