Today I am continuing  my story. I started this blog as away to talk about it. Stuff no one knows and stuff I don’t want people to know. Part of it I wish to just sit with my husband and talk ask why and say this is what hurts. I am not allowed to. Thats the past he say why do we need to keep living it over and over. The reason is cause I need to so I can move on. I never got to express stuff. I will explain that as I go on.

So where I left off was the night my son died. My family showed up in the morning and my sister Tara about 3 am. She hadn’t talked to me for 3 years over money she owed me. I never understood why she was the one who stopped talking to me over it. Wasn’t I the one who she owed money to be the one to be mad. Anyway I was on the side of the road when he died my other sister must of given her my number. I just remember her crying on the phone saying I am so sorry Kim. So sorry. She was saying sorry about Chris and about not talking to me. She kept saying how could I let so many years go by. I know she hurt cause she missed the last 3 years of Chris’s life and it can never be replaced. Thats is how things happen and we take that for granted all the time.

My husband was absorbed in his grief. I was numb. My family was their and weirdly I felt that I had to play host. Not that I did great but it’s weird that where my thoughts were. You mind don’t work right. The furneral had to be planned. I had to help the kids. I had to tell Zach. Kenny didn’t help he started to drink daily, nightly and gathered everything of Chris and put it in a pile in our room and cryed into it when we was awake. I tried to help but he pushed me away. He said things like you don’t understand I did this. I brought us out here I was suppose to protect us. And anger at God why would he take him. No reasoning helped. My family tried to help nothing.

Waves of people came by new to the town I didn’t know. You go through the motions. Thanking well wishes listening to there words of comfort. Some not meaning to cut you like a knife. Things like he is in a better place. God has a purpose and it was his time. No parent wants to hear that. The kids were hurting and each vistor was a replay of the events. Some visitors I didn’t mind. The little girls who knew Chris. They came eyes all swollen telling things about him I never knew. You see once you lose the future the past is so much more important and every story is a treasure.

I struggled with things like the obituary. I didn’t know what to say. I sat in front of a pad of paper trying to think what is proper. How do you do it. I would talk about Chris all day but when it came to that I couldn’t write anything. Maybe cause it was one more thing making it real. I came up with the idea that I will let the kids help me and each one put something in it for Chris. Sometime in between all this we headed to the fureral home. Where we were given our options 10,000 or 3,000 in a week. As the director said time is an issue meaning he wont keep long. Cause somewhere I remember him mentioning embalming needs to be done soon if we are paying for that service. He had nothing we were getting by isn’t the lost of our son enough. Family all said I love you wish I had money to help. Not that we were asking. Kenny’s grandparents made it know that thoughts on his funeral. They are strong LDS so of course it had be done in a morman church according to them.

The community embrassed us and put donation jars. And two ladies from Kenny’s work started a donation account at well fargo me and Kenny had to sign the papers. The two ladies were Diamond and Tasha. They came by and called alot hugging me and telling me if I need anything to call. We ended up getting the 3000 to do a cremation. This of course drove Kennys grandparents nuts. In their eyes its a sin to cremate and it prevents the person from going to heaven. I don’t believe that. And really what choice did we have. Part of us is not sure if we will live here the rest of our lives. If so we didn’t want him buried here and that having him with us where ever we go was a comfort. Not that his body is him but your mind is funny.

The lds church bishop called he set up the talks and music all lds songs and told me to choose someone who can talk briefly about Chris 5 minutes or so. Now what I say is not in anyway being ungratful cause we had a free place to have service but 5 minutes a time limit. The songs were not Chris. A lady named Mary got us hooked up with a hotel called Stockmans after for everyone to go. After crying on her shoulder about the funeral not being the way I want to say goodbye we set it up so we could do it as I saw at stockmans.

The funeral was dry and made me hurt. It was like a church service. I didn’t understand the restrictions and talk topics. I have been to lots of LDS funerals none like this. It was all set toward gods great plan and when we all are res-erected. One talk the person talked about how thankful we are for Chris being in gods arms and the plan of salvation. It made me hurt.

At stockmans we had it set up with pictures of Chris everywhere. I brought a photo album for people to flip through and some of his art work ect.  There were candles everywhere and the lights were dim. I didn’t plan that but with the white Christmas lights they had it made it beautiful. My sister in law tracey bought food for people meat and cheese trays with rolls. we all just visited for a bit. All the family together. We had a radio set up and played music Chris liked. It was they way it was suppose to be what he liked. I played his lullaby I sang to him when he was a baby. Each of the kids had there own lullaby and Chris’s was Baby Mine we also played Kennys logins Christoper Robins song cause Chris loved Winnie the Pooh so much when he was little. We called him Chris E Poo. Everyone Cried during Baby Mine. Then we passed a mike around so everyone can tell stories and share whatever they want. Nik talked about sneaking Chris into the drive in – in the trunk of a car and how he was so excited when he hopped out smiling. He said I have lots of stories like that mom don’t know about. To me yeah at the time I would of been mad but now its one more memory I have cause the future hold none.

Diamond and Tasha were comforting us. I thought they were new friends. I explain that in a later post.

After that family returned home to Utah and Texas. We were alone and Kenny drank and drank. I spent most of my time comforting him. People kept worrying about me cause I had not cried. I stayed strong and took care of things. His uncle said something that sticks to me this day. He said Kim don’t let Kenny deprive you of your grief. Everyone need to mourn and he needs to be strong for his family and be the man of the house and take care of you and his kids. I guess it made me feel good. He was his uncle and yet he understood the weight on me. I never said anything to him yet he could see how I was inside and what I needed Kenny to do. I need him to be the man and protect me and it was the other way around.

I know that is sexist I don’t care that is how I felt as a woman. I look at my husband as my protector and even thou we handle stuff together at times I need to be the girl.

Two weeks went on Christmas was coming the kids did not care. They felt the heavyness of being in the house of what happened it was everywhere. My family begged me to go see them for Christmas. Zach was alone and needed us. He was living with his grandparents for a bit. I knew Zach needed us too. He had been alone so much with his grief and it was important to see him and help him. I was determined to get us all through this. Kenny said he couldn’t go cause of work but would come up friday after work. Diamond, Betsey, Devin and tasha were going to keep and eye on him for me. I was torn between taking care of him and taking care of my kids. Zach got in trouble for sexting his girlfriend and it is a federal crime if you email or text stuff or in zach case ask your girlfriend for a boob shot. Daddy saw the message and Zach was in trouble with the law. He was only 15 but couldn’t live with any minor children in the home untill a judge rules on his case. That is why he was in Utah with grandparents. I cancelled my hotel 3 times due to a bad feeling but with Kenny’s urging that everything will be fine I went.

Life visiting family was nice and much needed. I know the visit helped Zach I called kenny alot everything seemed ok.

The next part is just as long so I will save it for another day.

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