Archive for January, 2012


I know I am cynical. Hey but that’s how life has been. The past two weeks have been great. Part of me thinks maybe cause Kenny really hasn’t drank. No I am not putting it all on him. But it’s a chain reaction. He drinks and gets mean even when he isn’t. Like when he wants to and we don’t have money or I say no.  Let me go back a bit to when I say drink it’s a few beers not guzzling down hard liquor.  But when he drinks he snores too and that equals I not getting sleep and maybe becoming overly emotional from the lack of sleep. Or maybe it’s enough is enough.

I never understood why people drink. I am not saying that as one who never had. I have drank for social reasons. But drinking for pain maybe but when everything is good why have 1 or 2 when you take the risk it could go bad. When I started this blog today. I had no intention of going on and on about drinking but sometimes the mind leads us elsewhere.

Maybe it’s really the past lurking. I am not emotionally healed from the past. I don’t think I ever will. In my life most people dont know what is going on in my head. It’s always haunting me never letting me move past it. Sometimes no scratch that often I feel like I made the wrong choices. I wish I could of paused and thought a bit back then. I was lost in pain. How could one make life changing choices when they are surrounded in pain.

What am I talking about?

Me and Kenny and our journey to here. Here is a small summery.

Back in 2008 we were in Utah. I had a great job, great pay and benefits. Not everything was rosey with my work. I felt a little disgruntle and in a place where women do the paperwork and men hold the titles. I was constantly helping a guy who was older and had not a lot of knowledge about computers and simple things like emails and anything else on it. I was doing his job all the time and he was getting the nice big padded pay check from part of my work.  No don’t get me wrong I don’t mind helping and often would think what if he was my grandpa. My problem was that he sat there letting me do it when I tried to show him how and teach him he paid no attention and didn’t try to learn. It became my responsibility to help him. So I had to as it was part of my job but when I finished his work I had mine and no one to help. I did it often looking up from my desk to see the old man playing solitaire or reading msn sports. He never had a problem looking up sports stuff at work. Anyway Kenny lost his job and couldn’t find work in the field in 5 months. My pay worked but it was tight. That was until he got a offer but not in Utah. No in Nevada in a small town.  He was so down and finding work made him so excited.

I didn’t want to leave my family. I loved where I was at. But this isn’t the first time he asked me to go somewhere else. And I was soooo in love. I know sounds weird but we have always been one of those couples who were ment to be. We could count on one hand the number of big fights we had in our 17 year marriage. I didn’t want to be one of those wives who say no and then there husband resents them. I mean what if he doesnt find a job and things get bad or what if he does and hates it. Would he always think if I took that job in NV things would be different. So I said yes.

Problems was what he was told he would make was lies. Moving cost that were suppose to cover were but then taken out of each paycheck. Cost of living was higher here and it is a 30 minute drive into town where the only store is for such things you take for grant such as tp or milk. But it also had it’s good things like we are right out in the heart of nature. Deer everyday in our yard. A marina 6 blocks away with free fishing no license required. My kids who were zombified to video games and tv were outside all day and night playing. I managed to work the tightest bbudget and get food and supplies for 125 to 150 every two weeks for a family of 7.  We were starting to realize that money wasn’t everything and we are happy here.

Then it happened. Chris spent all weekend helping his friends move and spent the night over there on Monday night when he got home from school he said he realized he had their food in his backpack he was using it to help move it and if he could go run it over with Cameron I said yes. He came back and said mom can I play a bit longer there too. I hesitated. And that my friends is a hesitation that would forever echo in my mind. I felt like I hardly saw him for days but he keep on with those puupy dog eyes please mom please.  I gave in and said to be back before dad gets home and gave him a chore he had to do first which he zipped throu with lightning speed.

I was on the laptop checking emails when the phone rang. I picked up. Hello? Mommmm mommmy mom. The voice was crazied I didn’t know who it was it did not sound like one of my kids. Who is this ? Mommy you have to come to the intersection. What intersection? Sobbs was all i could make out then a female voice. There has been an accident and one of your boys is hurt get down to the intersection right away. I say ok heard click before I can say what intersection. I didn’t know the area. I yelled nik nik . He came running in. I need you to come with me someones hurt. I was shaking. Nik was like what  who. I dont know I grabbed my purse and keys. Mel said I wanna come. No i said stay here. Mel but mom I cant be alone. I said go to levi’s or alexs if you need to I gotta go. I got in the car and drove up each intersection  from my house to the highway. I could guess intersection. Someone hurt it ment car accident. each little country road I drove up filled me with panick as I prayed no god please dont be the fast one. I ran out of small road and saw all the police on the highway. The 55 mile per hour highway. A police officer stopped me and said I cant go this way. I said I am the mom someone called me he waved to let me throu. I parked they greeted me and would not let me see past them. I saw cameron he was crying. I can’t remember much about that moment other than it told me it was Chris hurt.

I was told they are working on him and i needed to stay out of the way it was dark now and being decemeber it was cold. so they put us in an fire truck with blankets. No one whould tell me much no one would let me go to him. I called Kenny work over and over. I guess finally someone told him to come. I called Kenny’s grandparents who are religious and told them to pray cause Chris is hurt bad. I called my nana and broke down. I remember her words helped me to gain my strength back. I asked nik to walk home cause I was also worried about how long it was taking and mel was home alone. Later I learned that nik had issues with not being there. I am thankful for him always being there for mel but I cant be at two places at once. I waited so patiently but begging for them to let me just hold his hand. In my mind if he knew I was here I can tell him to fight and be strong.

Someone on the side of me just a normal person. Said he was sorry. I said for what? He said no one is telling you your son has passed. I looked at him calming my mind screaming. Thank you. I just needed to know. I think I called my grandma. Can’t remember much there. Can’t remember where Cameron was. I know it’s weird but I was not as anxious as before cause I knew Chris was not in pain anymore. I guess part of that was shock. One police officer came to talk to me about the driver. I said tell him I don’t blame him. It could of been me. Kids should not try to beat cars across the road. The police officer said we don’t believe drinking is involved but hold on to that until the reports come back. My thoughts were oh my god I knew thought of that. He was clean it turns out. My sons friend family was eatting dinner so they thought hey lets go see travis he has a new bb gun. They were never to cross the highway. But kids make wrong choices they waited and waited at the corner but no cars slowed down for them to cross so I guess Chris thought he could run acrross real quick. Cameron didn’t even know he bolted till he hurt the crash sound.

Kenny showed up with work people close behind. I had to be the one to tell him. He collapsed on the side of the road. screaming no no no. I said I am sorry honey. I was trying to confort him the police came over to help one told me they had chris in the ambulance and was taking him to burns funeral home. I said wait no please I gotta see him I have to say good bye. They said you don’t want to right now. I begged please no I will be good. I am calm now and I will be calm. You don’t understand I have to see him with my own eyes to know it’s real please. The officer paused then said ok give us a second to clean him up.

The let me go in but I was not allowed alone. The mortician was there I looked down at my chuck checked baby boy who was 13 but looked like 10. He had scratches on the side of his face and on his chin he had a hole where he bite all the way through when he was hit. Everything else was wrapped in blankets. he looked fine like he got in a fist fight at school and was just sleeping.

I can’t remember everything I remember running my hand through his golden locks he loved to much. we always battled about hair cuts. I have beliefs about spirits lingering. So I told Chris to go on be free. I promise to take care of everyone. I promise I would make sure everyone will be ok. its a promise I ment and to this day am still trying to keep.

Kenny and everyone went back to the house. One of kennys coworkers Betsey said to drive me home in my car cause they didnt think I should drive. I had to stay to answear questions. For the record that is one thing that should change the questions they ask right after you lose him really. Like what time he woke up what did he eat for dinner. I still can’t get why that mattered. it too an hour.

When I got there everyone was there Kenny meant me outside saying he waited for me to tell the kids. Cameron knew of course I think anyway but hadn’t had it confirmed. Nik put two and two together cause if he was hurt we would be at the hospital not home. I took Mel on my lap this sweet innocent girl at 10  years old and told her that her best friend in the world died.  She said no and asked why. Kenny was sobbing again. I said I don’t know why honey she was shaking and sobbing. At one point a lady from Kennys work too Mel at side and helped her to pick out a star in the sky to be Chris’s star and she could talk to him through it. We still had to tell Zach in the morning.

It was a nightmare. It’s hard to write it still but maybe writting will help heal.

I have always wrote about stuff and felt better. The night Chris died Kenny got drunk and was passed out. I felt alone and sad the whole house was asleep. I could not sleep. I wanted to but my mind would not stop. So I got on my myspace and wrote to Chris. This is what I wrote.

I miss you already

 

 

Baby boy why did you need to leave. You were to young. I don’t know if I can be strong enough but I will I promised you that and I will keep my promise. Even thou I saw your little body and could tell it was just a shell the light that was in you is gone, the light that made me hole.

I can’t sleep I know I should. I want to that would be a few more hours I don’t have to live with the realization that you are gone. Thought’s and images     run through my mind I hear you laugh is it just in my mind. Funny things about pop in my mind like your freaky toes. I will miss them.  I can close my eyes and see you and your hoodie you always wore. I know  you even sleeped in it it was so  worn and tattered I bought you one for Christmas  it is camo you would of loved it. I dont know how we will get through this or Christmas. I was so excited about your present. I found the coolest bb gun it  was  camo with a  scope.  I know your   eyes would of lit up and of course you would of teased cameron that yours was better than his.

I missed so  many moments while working. This year we had it all worked out and we were going to do all the things we use to do at christmas. I did not realize how much it ment to you untill you got all excited when I told you we could do that this year. Not all moments were wasted. I have sat here looking at photos we had so much fun I know you have lots of good memories as I do too. It’s not enough 13 years is not enough. I know in my heart this is easier for you than me you are in a good place in the arms of the angels and grandma nancy.

Are you be us now Cameron and Melanie think so. Cameron has replaced four lightbulbs tonight as soon as he puts a new one in it burns out. The house is soooo cold we turned the heat up so high no one can get warm. I commented on this as I was holding your sister and she said don’t the angels feel cold. Or am just looking for signs. Find peace my baby boy. I thank god you did not suffer.

How and I going to do this my heart is breaking. I know I promised you I will be strong and help everyone through this as I kissed you forehead one last time but I dont feel strong enough. A part of me does not think this is real. I am mad so very mad. You should be playing in the hills, tracking the deer, finding the antlers you wanted to make dad the gift you were planning. I would give anything to hear you fight with Melanie. Right now that would be the sweetest sound in the world.I tell myself I know you are in a better place but really the best place would be in my arms. Iwould never threaten to cut your hair you could have it as long as melanies if you wanted. You could go weeks without a bath I could just buy extra candles. I would give you ice cream everyday and not tease you about you “girly” belts.

Melanie broke down it brought all of us grown ups to our knee’s. Daddy’s freinds were here the could not handle seeing her pain. Cameron is hurting he is soo angry it did not hit me till later God spared me him. He could of took you both. Nik is soo quiet I am scared about it. I hear Daddy weaping a haunting weep no grown man should ever have to cry. I feel numb and sad. I dont understand why.We still need to tell zach I know he is going to break.

Baby boy how am I going to live without you how am I going to keep this family together. I need that magical clock that you always want when you want to go back in time. This has to be a mistake god could of let us have you. I know I am not the first to loose a child but that does not make it easy. I keep thinking what if. You know when you first asked me if you can play I at first said no. I did see you much this weekend since you were helping your freinds move. But your puppy dog eyes made me change my mind. Would it of happened anyway. Would of keeping you here with me kept you safe. Why could you not listen you know I forbade you from ever crossing that road. I am just glad god took ya quickly. They say you probely did even know you were hitt. I hope so but I also know they tell parents that to easy the pain.   If it is not true I hope they never tell me. I can’t help but think if it was true why would they call lifeflight.

I love ya son my forever little man.

 

 

 

Baby Boy

The leaves are starting to change colors before my eyes.
Hues of gold, red and yellow.
I feel there crunch beneath my feet.
I make a sigh as I realize how much time has gone by.
I feel the crisp dew kissed air.
I look up and see the sunshine through the trees.
I close my eyes and think of you.
Baby boy I miss you.
How I want to kiss you
Baby boy I want to hold your hand.
Baby boy I feel you.
Shine a little light on me.
Soon I know the trees will be bare.
They will look like there is no life in them.
But I know like you there beauty is there just hidden from my eye.
The ground around me will be cold and still.
Covered in the fallen snow.
The world looks bleak and in mourning.
Baby boy I miss you
How I want to kiss you
Baby boy I want to hold your hand
Baby boy I feel you
I know just when the world is at it darkest.
The clouds will fade away.
Life will sprout anew.
Bringing color my way.
Butterflies and flowers will lighten my day.
The sun will light my way.
Baby boy I know I miss you but I am going to be ok.
-Kim

Today I feel like my entire life is sitting in limbo. Waiting for me to make either a right or wrong choice. Problem is I don’t know what is the wrong choice tell its made and we are way past the point of going back.

It’s kinda reflective of my past and present. I am stuck between the pain and emotions of the past and what ever the future brings in my mind the future is always great. Full of great changes, easy life and happiness. Problem is whenever the timeline comes and it is the present it isn’t as great as I thought it would be.

I think we are all dreamers by nature. That’s not a bad thing. But when those dreams consistently become just that dreams it gets a person down.  It seems in my life for every positive I get two negatives thrown at me.

At work I have a lot of quiet time. One day I was thinking about how my husband just can’t get happy at any job and goes from job to job to job. I am tired of it I want constancy. So I thought instead of putting it all on him maybe I need to do something different. I thought maybe I need to as my sister says I should do. Go back to school to get a carrier and not just a job. But it seems even doing that is so hard. From getting the placement test down after work but before the meeting with the advisor. All in one day because school deadlline. I gotta keep trying its all I have.

Besides working and going to school will keep my mind busy. No time to think. No time to hurt. No time to question the things I think about when I am sad. I and I alone have the power to continue this life the way it is or venture alone even if it hurts people.

I will go over that more in detail later. One day when I tell about me and my husband and our life then and now.

 

 

I am and always have been one to try. Trying means hope and hope means I haven’t lost. This battle with what life gives me is so uphill. When do I reach the top or at least flatten out. I am tired of the struggles so I have decided to try to go to school. I was hoping to have one thing in this life I can control.

It seems alot of funding and grants I don’t qualify for. I am hoping that there is some way. I refuse to do school loans and put my family on more debt. I need just one break. Today my son called at 4 am his house was on fire. Minor damage and he burned his foot not bad but bad enough. It seems his friends dad he lives with put hot ashes in a garbage can and the can lit on fire. A miner on his way to work saw and pounded on the door until someone answears. Thank god he did all I could think is what if he didn’t. I would be mourning another son tonight.

Where to start?

I have no clue how to say all that’s in my head. I guess I just go as it randomly comes to my head. There is no way to put everything in one post so I will say a little about my life as it happens and my past as it haunts me. I started this blog really as a way to cope with thoughts and feelings cause bottling them up is getting no where and I have no where to turn to.

When people know someone is hurting or having emotional issues. I guess you can call them that. Anyway they say to go seek help and they are there for you. But in all reality help cost. It cost a lot you ask if you can do payments they act like you have a third eye. A person could be depressed due to money issues and wanting to kill themselves and the mental health world say money please still. I guess the person inside don’t matter. We have became a world who looks the other way. That has been disconnected by our social outlets like facebook etc. I don’t know the answer but anyway I am rambling.

I am one who hurts. I am the girl/woman that everyone says is so strong and can handle anything. But I am not, I am weak. I just hide it better than others. Time does not heal all wounds. Some wounds fester and get infected. That is me. Until today I felt I was alone on something I do. For some reason maybe the sure act of boredom I goggled self hurting. I have so much anxiety. I am ashamed to say I hit myself. I leave bruises and scratches. And today I cut myself. I promise you I am not a crazy person. Well maybe I am but really I am one of many.

In fact at my work customers call me smiley and sunshine. I am at times cause work keeps me  from thinking. Its the quiet time when I get locked inside my head that gets bad. I know what you are thinking. No reason would be good enough to do that. I know but I have good reasons to hurt and I am alone in my hurt. Sometimes people expecting you to be the strong one hold them up has its consequence.

Like I said there is so much in my life. I am not always locked in pain today just happens to be one of my “bad” days.  I don’t know where to start to share my world. My childhood nah how about what broke me.

Broke me that is my perfect phrase. Its what I feel inside broken. Half of who I was. Lets go to the day of all days a cold December. My little boy died. Hit by a car and died before I could say goodbye. I stayed strong on the side of the road. Trying to show the police I can hold my own and wont lose it if they just let me see him. It worked and I did. I sat with him with the coroner who could not leave me alone just in case as I poured my heart out to my 13 year olds lifeless body. Being one who has thoughts and feeling about the afterlife and spirits needed to cross over. I promised him to go to the light be free we will be ok I will see to it. Daddy and everyone will be ok.

Thing is life is not something you can control. I couldn’t control everyones emotions. I did myself no good my setting it aside and being the strong one. Cause it erupts later. Maybe I would of came through it ok if that was all I had. I don’t know can’t say. Two weeks after his death my family in another state convinced me to come see them. To help the kids cause it was Christmas in a week. My husband wanted to stay back. He had work friends that was not going to leave him alone and I was also going to see my family cause one of my sons lived there and I felt it was important we saw him and spent time with him before Christmas.

Do you ever have a point in time you wish you can erase. I do! Of course first my sons death then what happened after. I had a gut feeling don’t go in fact I canceled 2 times but my husband encouraged me to go. Our son needed to see us and be with me too. So I went. The day I was coming back my husband said to stay until after Christmas cause of the snow storm. I been stuck there 2 extra days but if was snowing there. It was the 23rd and I felt I needed us to be back home. So I drove it was ok until I got closer. I gripped the wheel and drove so slow and careful. I made it back.

My husband who had always greeted me with excitement didn’t. He was standoffish and said he had to go to Walmart right now. I went with he didn’t seem like wanted me to come. I felt something was wrong. While at walmart I called my sister. She told me he is just hurting and not himself. He continued to act that way always busy on his phone and computer. On Christmas day I lost it for the first time was crying my eyes out and he did not comfort me like I did him. I hurt one of my sons say dad mom needs you. He said she will be alright. I wasnt I needed him. I felt we could get through this as long as we do it together.

The day after christmas. He said lets go for a ride. I did. He told me Kim I love you always will have a place in my heart but I met someone else.

Someone else………….

How could this be happening I thought. Before Chris’s death we were so close. I felt as much in love with my husband as the day I married him if not more. I wondered how god could let this happen so soon. 2 weeks after his death. He went on about how when I was gone Tasha and him developed feelings. I was gone 5 days. How can 5 days mean more than 18 years.

I was sick. I was well you can imagine. I called family they couldn’t believe it not him. I wasn’t going to go down without a fight he was not leaving me. He didn’t know what he was saying. You don’t know love in 5 days. I know most women would say goodbye. I couldn’t I don’t think at the time I could handle losing one more person I loved. I couldn’t let me kids go through this.

I fought I will blogg about the detail later. I think cause it will help. One thing is I keep it all inside and can’t talk about it all. The pain inside broke me. Maybe I would of been alright it It ended there. My problems I mean. But it went through him being suicidal to money issues. So many problems here and there it is slowing suffocating me.

I try hard to not be negative but it seems everytime I start to feel happy I get kicked. Like I am being punished for being happy. Right now I am as close to being homeless as a person gets before they are offically declared homeless. In fact a newspaper article a few months back counted living in a motel not by choice as being.

I joked once to a customer saying I should start a blog. Diary of a girl with bad luck. It seems that it is me. Everything that can will go wrong. I wonder am I being tested? If so stop testing me enough. Either fail me or pass me.

Enough for now. I feel better. I said my 3 biggest issues in my heard. My hurt my son and my husbands betrayal.

Thanks for reading.